Setting boundaries is an essential part of maintaining emotion regulation, especially with the people closest to you. When we are able to communicate our needs and limitations to others, we can create space for both connections and self-respect. As we approach the holidays and more time spent with loved ones, remember: no one can read your mind and detect what your feelings are! Communicating your boundaries can be difficult and uncomfortable at first. With practice, however, it has the potential to become an incredibly empowering skill. Healthy boundaries can help you regulate your emotions, improve your relationships and improve your self-esteem. Let’s explore how we can effectively practice boundary setting and what might be a barrier.
What is getting in the way of setting boundaries?
If it was easy, you would’ve already done it. So what is holding you back from being successful in communicating your needs to others?
1. Fear of how others will respond.
Often, we let fear take over and worry about how others might respond to us changing the dynamic and setting a boundary. We also then tend to turn assumptions into facts and imagine how someone might react without checking the facts. Being aware of these fears and cognitive distortions is the first step to overcoming them.
2. Fear of confrontation.
Confrontation does not have to mean conflict. Confrontation is simply directly addressing something. Although it may be uncomfortable, it is healthier to be authentic to yourself, your values, and your needs than to continuously accommodate everyone else’s.
3. Fear of losing the relationship.
It is not uncommon to fear how setting a boundary might create tension or distance in the relationship. It is important to remind yourself, however, that you are not responsible for another person’s emotions. A healthy relationship focuses on communication, meaning both parties are willing to clarify values, compromise when it is appropriate, and show mutual respect by actively listening to the other person’s needs. A healthy relationship is not suppressing your needs to maintain harmony. If setting your boundary does negatively impact the relationship, it doesn’t mean you were wrong to set it. It may be an indicator of an imbalance that was already present.
How do I do it?
Step 1: Clarify Your Goal.
Figure out what boundary you need to set and why it is important to you and your values. Understanding this will help you stay confident and calm in your decision.
Step 2: Identify Your Priority.
Are you only focused on trying to get your goal met? Are you trying to prioritize the relationship? Or are you trying to maintain self-respect? The priority will change depending on the situation and the intimacy of the relationship you hold with the person you are setting boundaries with.
Step 3: Practice!
Write out a script prioritizing one of the three goals above and practicing saying it out loud with a friend or processing this with a therapist. The goal is not to anticipate the other person’s response, but to help you clearly and calmly express what matters to you.
Step 4: Reinforce and stay consistent.
When you are setting new boundaries, especially in relationships where certain dynamics have already been established, don’t expect perfection right away. Be gracious and willing to gently remind them of why this boundary is so important to you. Over time, doing so will help increase your own emotion regulation, improvement in your relationships, and your confidence in your ability to accomplish this!
Setting boundaries is not about pushing others away, rather it is an opportunity to allow others to truly know and respect you. Through boundaries, you have the ability to create more connected, balanced and true relationships. Not only does this help you maintain your authenticity and solidify your values, you can also feel confident in demonstrating emotion regulation.
Written by Liselotte McQuien.
Liselotte McQuien, MS, LPC, NCC
lmcquien@fwcai.com
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